on hindsight

Someone once said to me, “If you don’t hate who you were five years ago…did you even grow?” The sentiment resonates heavily. I’ve long been accustomed to Googling things in the dark of the night, my face only lit up by my computer screen. I used to always search “20 things I learned in my 20s,” “things to know before you turn 30,” shit like that. I wanted to feel like I could win the success game. The I have my shit together game. How strange to imagine that I'm now at an age where I could dole out the advice I once sought for myself.

I am a naturally reflective person, if it’s not obvious. That’s probably why the essay appeals to me so much. It's a practice in what I do organically (ie, ruminate and consider the world, consider everything I encounter). I’ve been feeling reflective about 2021 and all my years as a whole. I revisited some of the disposable camera shots I took in high school. If you’d asked me at 17 if I was one of the cool kids I probably would have said no. I actually was, though. I thrifted a Gucci sweatshirt and had a bow-tie phase. I would frequent the now-defunct Jazz Record Mart to browse through Sarah Vaughan and Blind Willie McTell records. I spent my lunch periods at my school’s computer lab poring over blogs like Style Rookie and The Sartorialist. I was a bonafide maximalist and intrepid about mixing patterns and layers and colors. I’ve always been authentically myself. There’s beauty in that, especially at an age where you’re pressured to be anything but. 

It’s true that I view my adolescence more harshly when I think of the ways I inched closer and closer to whiteness, but I was also original and kind and true to the things I loved. I’m trying to be who I needed when I was a teen. But I also had a pretty good head on my shoulders then. I didn’t make any horribly questionable decisions and at the end of the day, I did what I wanted and harmed no one. 

Brave, then. Maybe I’m brave now,  when everything feels like it’s being uprooted from under me. I’m flying at the same time, though? Yes. I’m flying at the same time.