on indulgences
I am in love with someone who is more indulgent than me. Don’t get me wrong, my instagram handle is @sweetest.teeth for a reason. My dental records reveal crowns and cracks and root canals, and it’s hard for me to go out without stopping by the candy aisle for something sweet. When I was younger, I would impulsively buy a half-dozen buttercream cupcakes just for myself. But I am a creature of pragmatism, too. Of slight moderation; there’s the nagging feeling of not doing enough, or “suffering” enough in the toil of my obligations. I’ll delay myself (“just 20 more minutes”) until I finish doing XYZ thing, or getting so far on a work task for a client.
My partner’s sweet tooth has me beat. On one of our earliest nights together, they suggested we walk to Walgreens at midnight to pick up a pint of Häagen-Dazs. Naturally, I agreed. This is the type of person to grab a bottle of craft root beer as we’re at the checkout for a sandwich or salad. He likes good stuff: the candied smoked salmon, the flaky whitefish, the rich olive oil, the buttery cookies and crumbly blue cheeses.
This bit of gourmandise has rubbed more and more onto me, exploding my existing indulgent tendencies. At the Whole Foods, I don’t stop myself from perusing the cheese section for a hunk of discounted cheddar, or goat cheese, or brie. I also love good crackers, berries and pears. And thick, spreadable local honey. Why not keep an extra box of coconut milk popsicles in my fridge, just because? I keep my same aesthetic delights as always, like a bouquet of flowers every so often, or a good candle. I peruse small presses like Bottlecap Press and make a list of the chapbooks I want to buy. I bookmark gilded frames on Michaels.com for the film prints I’ve been meaning to hang. Sometimes, when I go to Foursided I get the urge to flip out and buy all the delicate pink crystalware (common sense stops me from wasting such an obscene amount on stuff I could find at a thrift store).
Shit’s tense right now, on a collective level. Like a rubber band on the brink of being stretched open. I’ve been feeling that way in this solopreneurship journey, doing the very me thing of taking on too much and not realizing until it’s too late. Realizing that even though my business is one that champions abundance, I’ve been operating from a place of scarcity. Operating out of the fear that if I don’t stack up work, there won’t be enough.
There will be enough. The extra cake slice won’t kill me. I will get the good cheese. I implore you to get the good cheese, too.